Frankenshoes: Christian Louboutin Lion Paw Pumps
I am a big Christian Louboutin fan. The man is like a God to me, seriously.
But do we want our feet to look like lion paws? And to pay hundreds of dollars for the privilege?
We’re going to have to say “no” to that.
What about you? These are from the Fall 2011 collection, so look out for them later this year if you really want to buy yourself a pair.
Lettuce trousers, to go with your lettuce top
No other comments..
(Also available in pink and white – click here to buy them.)
Cat hairball jewellery by Kate Benjamin
Cat ladies are cool, y’all.Well, that’s what Kate Benjamin of Moderncat wants you to think, anyway. In a bid to dispel the idea of the crazy cat lady, Kate got together with friend and jeweller Heidi Abramson to create a range of jewellery made from the hair of our feline friends.
Kate says, “I started with a good grooming session with several of the cats, then I hand-rolled each ball of cat fur into a tight bead. By rolling the loose fur between your palms, the strands become felted together, forming a solid little bead. Heidi then transformed the beads using her silversmithing skills and her amazing eye for modern design and voil…!”
The good news, then, is that by “hairball” we’re talking about hair directly from the cat’s body, not hair that’s just been hacked up. The bad news is that it’s still cat hair.
What do you think, catladies? Something you’d buy?
Prada’s ‘Prosthetic Leg’ Mary Jane boots go straight to Fashion Police jail
By now you’ve probably all seen Prada’s “prosthetic leg” Mary Jane boots. Which is a bit of a shame, really, because they’re the kind of thing that, once seen, cannot be unseen. In fact, these will now be burned into our retinas for all eternity, and not even a healthy dose of eyeball bleach will save us.
Anyway, as these have appeared all over the internet, there’s not much for us to say about them, other than to reassure you all that these have gone straight to Fashion jail. They did not pass ‘Go’. They did not collect $200. They most certainly did not collect $1,400, which is what Net-a-Porter are threatening to retail them for. This is one of the most serious cases of Impostor Footwear we’ve ever seen, and we just don’t know how Prada thought they’d get away with it. Perhaps they thought we’d think they were ACTUAL legs?
And yet, fashion victims will still buy these, won’t they? Still, on the bright side, imagine what they’ll look like lying on the bedroom floor after a night of passion!
Strange Sunnies: The Eyebrow Sunglasses by Laura Kranitz
Sunglasses with fake (gold) eyebrows attached to them: why has no one done this before? (Other than joke stores selling Groucho Marx costumes, we mean.) Seriously, think of the possibilities for people who over-pluck, people who can’t be bothered to pluck, people with unibrows, eyebrow rugs, or just generally badly groomed eyebrows. Pop on a pair of sunglasses, et voila! Your eyebrows will be gold, but they will be perfect! (If you call this look “perfect”, that is. We don’t, but you might.)
These are $42 – click here to buy them.
Shoulder pads go wild
Is it a sweater, or is it a giant Mickey Mouse head? We just don’t know.
What we DO know is that the brand is called Moonspoon Saloon and the top is called ‘Backstage Elephant”, so we give them credit for creative naming at least.
We’re still arresting the shoulders, though…
(Click here to buy it)
Frankenshoes: The Benched Shoe by Jeffrey Campbell
Jeffrey Campbell has been on the Fashion Police’s ‘Wanted’ list for a while now, for being part of a deadly duo (Jessica Simpson being the other half) who, between them, managed to convinced fashionistas around the world last year that they desperately needed to make their feet look like they belonged on a giantess.Now Jeffrey is back with ‘The Benched Shoe’. Clearly Jeff was disturbed halfway through designing this, and the result is that the entire middle section is missing. There’s a toe and a heel, but arch support? Forget it.
We’re going to be generous here and assume that these shoes are more comfortable, and better for your feet, than the images suggest. Would you buy them, though, that is the question? Will they be the next ‘Lita’?
Night Fever: Ellery Ancien Regime Flare Pants
We challenge you to look at these Ellery flares, and NOT think of this:
Can’t do it, can you? In fact, you’re probably also humming ‘Stayin’ Alive’ to yourself, aren’t you?
Now, we know flares are currently in the midst of a comeback, thanks to the fashion world deciding that we’d had enough of the 50s, and it was time to revisit the 70s, but what do you think of them? More specifically, what do you think of ones that are so wide you could harbour an entire family under the shelter of one leg? You could make a wedding dress out of one of those legs, couldn’t you? Are you OK with that, or do you think it’s time for flares to receive some kind of Fashion Police citation?
These are $1,125 at Shopbop. WE KNOW. (Click here to buy them)
Any Old Rags? Pringle of Scotland fringed sweater
$1000 well spent, no?(This is by Pringle of Scotland: click here to buy it.)
Strange Sunglasses: Ketevane Maissaia red-legged glasses
Something we’ve noticed during our years on the Fashion Police beat, is that sunglasses tend to fall into two distinct categories. They’re all either:a) Nice, but pretty unexciting.
or
b) Totally and utterly bizarre.
We’re sure we don’t need to tell you which category these ones fall into, do we?
Here’s what they look like on:
They’re actually a little less strange than we’d expected, although they do make up for it by being $685. We’ve had cars that cost less than that. Well, OK, not really, but wecould have.
Think that price is totally justified? Then click here and get buying!
Maison Martin Margiela redefines the word “dungarees”
This is NOT a caped mini dress being worn with a pair of thigh-high boots, as amusing as that concept might be.
No, these are dungarees.
As in, the “thigh high boots” are actually leather chaps, which are attached to the “dress”, creating “dungarees”.
We feel like we’ve learned something today. For instance, we’ve learned there are people in the world who are willing to spend £1,690 on stuff like this. And that Maison Martin Margiela REALLY has a lot to answer for.
Are you one of them? Click here if you are…
If you’re not, meanwhile, just stay where you are and enjoy the back view:
Daylight Robbery? The $700 shin pads
These are shin pads.
They cost $709.
That’s not a typo.
The justification for this? Well, they’re ostrich leather, but they’re also DESIGNER. And that, as every good fashion victim knows, is enough to make just about ANYTHING worth hundreds of dollars. Even shin pads.
Here’s how you’d wear your $700 shin pads:
Shorts cut for a giant, baggy shirt, stupid hat. OF COURSE.
Are you ready to buy them? They’re by Julien David: click here to go get ‘em.
Frankenshoes: Marc Jacobs raffia heel sandals
Well, it looks like it was craft time in the Marc Jacobs household, no?
Here’s an easy fashion DIY for you all:
1. Take a pair of boring old sandals
2. Add the leftover tinsel from the Christmas tree to the heel. Failing that, shred some tinfoil and use that instead.
3. Add some more to the toe.
4. Charge people $840 to buy the results.
5. Sit back and laugh as the money rolls in.
Or, alternatively, just click here and buy them. It’ll help encourage Marc Jacobs to make more of the same…
Fashion Police Inmates Uniform, SS2011 edition
OK, little convict girl, we know you probably don’t want to show your face in this outfit – and we don’t blame you – buy we’re going to have to ask you to turn around so the nice Fashion Police detectives can see what you’re wearing:
Yes, it’s as we thought: THIS, reminds us of….
THIS. Only… more humiliating. Would YOU want to walk around in public in skin tight, camel-toe-inducing lycra? You would? You will LOVE our new inmate uniforms, in that case! And if you have a spare $40 floating around, you can buy one for your very own.Click here to do it…
Kate Spade’s New York Journal Clutch Bag: the most expensive newspaper you’ll ever buy…
This is expensive for a newspaper, but actually pretty cheap for a Kate Spade bag… which is lucky, because that’s what it is.The idea of making clutch bags look like newspapers or magazines isn’t a new one, of course, but we wondered what you all think of it. Do you love the idea of spending $125 on the “New York Journal”, or do you just worry you’d end up throwing it in the trash by mistake?
If it’s the former, click here to buy it.
Thong Converse: WHY?
Seriously: is there any reason in the ENTIRE WORLD why Converse should suddenly need to have a thong front?
No, really: Converse have managed to exist for many, many years so far WITHOUT needing to have a thong front. And we’ve all managed perfectly well without thong-front Converse, too. If we need thongs, we’ll buy thongs. If we need Converse, we’ll buy…thongs, apparently.
Why has this come to pass, readers? And do you want to wear it?
(If you do, you can click here to buy these from Schuh)
Skirt meets harem pant, courtesy of Rick Owens
It takes a special kind of skill to make a skirt look worse than a pair of harem pants.
Rick Owens has that special kind of skill.
Rick, we name you the Fashion Frankenstein.
But what shall we call the Monster? What DO you call a cross between a skirt and harem pants? Skarem pants? We think so.
And what would you charge for a skarem pant, we wonder?
Oh, probably about £219, don’t you think? If that sounds reasonable to you, click hereto buy this.
Miriam Ocariz trousers: the ultimate solution to knobbly knees
Are you ashamed of your knees? Self-conscious of their knobbly nature, or insecure about how saggy they are? Well, worry no more, because Miriam Ocariz has got your back…
Yes, your knees are finally getting the attention they deserve. After years of push-up bras, tummy-tuck pants, and an array of shapewear to solve every body image issue from thigh to elbow, this vital joint is getting the attention it deserves at long last.
These clever trousers will not only disguise the ugliest of knock-knees, but create the illusion that all their sagginess is, in fact caused by the cut of the trousers. So ingenius are they, that you needn’t even have ugly knees to begin with – even the most perfect of pins will look malformed in these beauties!
Pick your pair up from Yoox.com for £185.
Tents: Not just for summer festivals
Louis de Gama calls this a ‘silk button through shirt dress with contrast yoke panels’. We call it a tent, which the model has to hold down at the back to avoid flashing her bottom at the photographer. Seriously, watch the catwalk video on the ASOS website and it’s almost indecent.The model here is 5’10” so if you like this dress, we implore you to refrain from actually buying it unless you are considerably shorter than our girl. But tell us, is it a shapeless sack, or cutting edge fashion?
If you do want to buy this, it’s £215 from ASOS.
Topshop’s chiffon drape side skirt: not one for the clumsy!
But more to the point, those draped sides – we just know they’re going to get caught in every single door we encounter. Particularly, we can’t help but feel, car doors, which brings us right back to the grime-factor – because those white drapes are going to be far from white by the time they’ve been dragged 15 blocks behind a taxi cab!
Nope, definitely not one for the klutzes amongst us…
But perhaps you could pull it off?
Chiffon drape side skirt, £35 from Topshop.
Style on Trial: Topshop World Gold Rope Cork Wedges
But joking aside, we think theses babies are just a teeny bit, well, ugly. But perhaps you disagree?
World Gold Rope Cork Wedges, £66 from Topshop
Curtains as eveningwear at Alexander McQueen
That’s not, in fact, a curtain you are looking at above, although you could definitely be forgiven for thinking it is. It even has pencil pleats around the neckline. It’s not a curtain though, we promise you. Look:
Hmm…doesn’t look a whole lot less like a curtain when it’s being worn, does it?
Do you want your eveningwear to look like it should be hanging in someone’s front room? If you do, you can buy this number at Net-A-Porter for the ‘bargain’ price of £7,260. It would be far cheaper to buy an actual curtain to get this look*.
*Not really.
Dress Like a Toddler Trend: Stella McCartney’s pocket dungarees
This model broke our “Grown Women Shalt Not Dress Like Small Children”rule, so we’ve made her go stand in the corner to think about what she’s done.
We caught her wearing these:
Now, we find dungarees childlike even at the best of times, and unfortunately this incident confirms that not even being buck naked underneath that can make them look any more grown up:
Of course, maybe you don’t WANT to be a grown up. (We don’t really either, to be honest.) Maybe you’d prefer to dress like a toddler long into adulthood and beyond, and if that’s the case then you should click here and buy these for £484. Definitely not child-friendly prices, anyway…
The “Scraps” Skirt, by Comme des Garcons
So THAT’S what happened to all of the old scraps of fabric on the cutting room floor!
Note to designers everywhere: keep the models away from the glue gun…
(Click here to buy it)
Clothes With Faces: See by Chloe strappy multi-print dress
Hey, dress! Why the long face?
Ah. Right. Still, at least you probably won’t look so much like a grumpy face when you’re actually being worn, will you?
Or maybe you will. Because once seen, it can’t be unseen: that’s the rule of clothes with faces.
This See by Chloe number is £485 at Harvey Nichols. And it’s not very happy about it, either.
Extreme VPL, by Opening Ceremony
And you just know someone will actually try and wear them like that, don’t you?
(Opening Ceremony, $520. Click here to buy.)
Wishful Thinking: Jen Kao ‘Mirage’ peplum shorts
Isn’t it a bit cruel for these shorts to be described as “mirage”, when they’re not a mirage at all: they’re real.Can we arrest them under the misdescription act, do you think? Probably not. We bet we could get ‘em on a charge of “looking like they have a couple of lace hankerchiefs attacked to them,” though. What do you think?
These are by Jen Kao and are $1,595. Now we REALLY wish they were just a mirage…
When is a skirt also a romper?
No, that post title isn’t the opening line of some lame joke, but the answer can be found in the garment we present here. When we first spied this skirt we thought it was a bit, well, odd, with its open sides and mini skirt underlay. But then we looked again and realised that this skirt? Is actually a romper too! Behold:
And there you have it. The magically transforming skirt/romper. And for skirt/romper read: crime of fashion.
If you want the ability to convert your skirt into a romper at any given opportunity, you can buy this Diane von Furstenberg number for $265 at Shopbop. All we ask though is that you put something underneath it as the top part only fastens at the shoulders and we don’t want to have to come and arrest you for indecent exposure!
Versatile item, or crime of fashion? You decide!
Shoe Style on Trial: River Island peep toe hi tops
Denim booties anyone? With a peep toe? And laser cut outs? And diamante? We think River Island have scored a hat trick of ugliness here – or is a hat trick just 3? A hat trick plus one then. We spied these shoes in store recently and can confirm that they are every bit as bad in real life as they look here. We can’t think of anything else River Island could have done to these to make them any worse than they are.
What do you think though? Could these be worse than they are? Do you like your hi tops with added diamante and laser cutting? If you want to buy these, they are £26.99 at River Island.
Who wears (expensive) short shorts?
$5416. Such a lot of money for such a tiny, tiny little garment.
(Yes, we know they’re leather and Swarovski crystal. But even so…)
(Click here to buy them.)
Strange Shorts: Thakoon paper bag shorts
We tend to hate anything the words “paper bag” can be attached to. Except actualpaper bags, obviously. They’re free to call themselves that, with our blessing.
These shorts don’t even LOOK like “paper bags” to us, though. No, these have a different problem altogether, because when we look at them we don’t see “cute shorts”: we see “OMG, I had a total bathroom emergency, ruined what I was wearing and was forced to quickly fashion myself a new pair of pants out of toilet tissue.”
And once we’ve seen it, it can’t be unseen.
These are by Thakoon and are $425 at Shopbop. Click here to buy them.
Frankenshoes: Rick Owens organza trimmed wedges
These shoes will “lend your evening look an instant hit of high-fashion drama” say Net-a-Porter. For £1,200 we would hope they would do more than lend it to us! We’re not sure what we dislike most about these: the fact that they are a boot pretending to be a sandal, or the crazy organza attachment around the ankle. From the side they’ve got a Mohawk, look:
What do you think though? Are these a must have to go with your new evening frock or do you find them as ugly as we do? If you like them they are available at Net-a-Porter
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